After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

An overweight man sees a newspaper ad that says "Weight Loss - 100% Guaranteed" and calls the number to inquire. The woman on the other end informs him that they have a weight loss program that is guaranteed to work or they will give you a 200% refund. The man gets intrigued and decides to try it. The woman tells him there are three levels to the program that cost $100, $250 and $500. The man decides to start at the $100 level. The next day, there is a knock on his door. He answers to find a pert little brunette wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign that reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." The man chases her all day, finally catching her and has sex with her all evening. After a week of this, he decides to try the $250 level. The next day, there is a knock on his door. He answers to find an utterly gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign that reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." Again the man chases her all day, finally catching her and has the best sex of his entire life. He keeps this up for a week, then decides to try the $500 level. The next day there is a knock on his door. He answers to find Richard Simmons wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign that reads "If I can catch you, I can have you." T

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet." "Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture .. there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!" "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the Desert don't forget." "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage That smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, Ees a bacon tree". And with that ...Luis races toward the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree." "Luis Luis, MI amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree... Ees.......... Ees... Ees......... Ees............. ... Eees a Ham Bush

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Yours Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear P Niss: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Yours Sincerely, V. Gina

Dear fellow Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Shire office and Depot have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face. 13. Try saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway. Thank-You for your help in this matter. Regards The management

The Hormone Guide Women will understand this and the men should memorize it! Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE: What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine.

Ok - I got this in my email tray... THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! If you are 30 or older, you may find it amusing :wink: When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up--what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways....yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal; that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent; you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! Remember ON T.V? You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel, and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves if we wanted to heat something up. We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing, and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd

I posted this way back a year ago but I love it and it belongs here. :twisted: :P The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)? A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay night clubs. __________________________________________________ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. *******************************************************************

Ok, just got this email joke & I'd thought you guys would appreciate it. Don't worry about the team names, subsitute them with teams from the sport you know & FYI: footy is slang for australian rules football :wink: Also Collingwood isn't a team well liked in west australia. Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance. Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Dockers fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation. First he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook. Next, he lifted the Dockers cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book. Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking his head in disbelief. The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused. "Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap...you'll find an asshole."

What's the difference between a sperm and a bureaucrat? The sperm has at least one chance in a million of being human!'

Irish boys' confession:- 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, Johnny Byrne?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Margaret Doyle?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Anne O' Neil?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months holiday and five good leads.' :wink: :twisted:

New Zealanders getting into the action.....

This is even more AWESOME